Monday, October 18, 2010

Pumpkin cheesecake, personal days and meltdowns

So, as you can tell if you read my previous blog, my life has been wearing on me lately. Every day, I feel a little more worn down. Not in a bad way, just in an exhausted way. I love my life, love my boyfriend, my family, my job, our home...everything! I am just starting to feel overwhelmed with certain things, trying to sort through my life, pick out the things that need to go and work on the things that need to stay.

Every day I feel disappointed that the things I wanted to get done haven't been accomplished. On days where I need to relax, I feel guilty that things aren't being taken care of. This is where I was yesterday. Let me paint a picture for you....

It's Sunday, we wake up to a great surprise - Chris and Taylor called us from Germany! We were all excited, snuggled in bed, speakerphone on, chatting it up with our dear friends for the first time since they landed in Germany.

We had a big plan for the day: fried fish at the Mullet Festival, biking at Seaside, cleaning our third bedroom that has turned into a monstrosity of mess. The day started off stressful. Josh and I always have a good time together, but because of my bad attitude, I kept turning what should have been a really relaxing day, into a stressful, anxiety-filled day.

We did get to the Mullet Festival, enjoyed roasted corn, fried mullet (which I was not a fan of), bloomin onion and gator on a stick. Once we had our fill of calories and dust, which all lasted about an hour only, we were outta there.

After that, I got a horrible headache, complained about everything that I felt needed to get done and wasn't getting done. We did have some highlights of the day, but by the time we got home, even though I had a long list of things to accomplish, all I wanted to do was bake a pumpkin cheesecake. I needed some baking therapy. And it helped! Here's the outcome. It's delicious, by the way! And low-cal! Click here to see the recipe.

So, obviously, the baking of the cheesecake put me even more behind on my to-do list (or to get accomplished list, thanks Roz!) and I felt even more stressed, but I needed time to do something I wanted to do, instead of something I needed to do.

My headache persisted, and I fell asleep the instant I lay down at midnight. The alarm sounded at 6:45 on the dot this morning, and a drum was pounding in my head. My headache from yesterday decided to stay until today and it wasn't letting up. I dragged myself out of bed, trying to be strong, got in the shower, and had to get out quickly because my head was just pounding. I got out and just began crying. The pain, the stress, the lack of sleep, it was just too much. I called into work, crawled back into bed and slept for three more hours.

I'm trying to take it easy, allow myself to rest, to re-coup after the strain last week took. I'm trying to organize my home, my thoughts, my life. I know I'm not going to have all the answers by the end of the day, the week, or the month. I'm just going to take one day at a time. But in the meantime, I will eat my pumpkin cheesecake.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Not enough time...

I shouldn't be writing this blog right now. Even with months since my last blog, so much to catch up on and two months worth of divulging to do....I still don't have time to be blogging right now.

I am definitely having one of those weeks where I feel like there isn't enough time in the day for me to get the things I want to accomplish done. If I feel like this now with a full time job, how am I going to feel if I really get my business up and going? Or when we really start planning the wedding, or when we have kids?

All these things have been wearing on me lately.

I barely have time to tend to my one customer I have for my Write on Red business, which stirs this fear within me that I shouldn't pursue the business like I want to because I'll fail. Josh and I are venturing on another part-time business together that will be another addition to our time.

We're church-hunting which is emotionally stressful. I know going to church shouldn't feel that way, but stepping through different doors each week, not knowing what you're about to encounter, it's nerve-wracking.

In addition, there's cooking dinner, watering the garden, walking the dog, doing laundry, reading books for book club...which brings me to another frustration that I barely have time to read those books, and I only realize more that I don't have enough me time because I can't read other books that I want to read. My bookshelf is seriously beckoning me....every day. I wish my office was set up already as a reading and work sanctuary, instead of the landing space for everything in the house.

Then there's plain old quiet time, devotion time. Me and my Daddy time...I haven't picked up my Bible in weeks! Sure, I pray all the time...but I want more.

And Josh....our time seems to be so rushed now. Our Netflix movies have stalled. The three we currently have out have been sitting in a pile for about two weeks because we haven't gotten a chance to watch them. Our queue is stagnant. (All those movies I'm waiting to watch!) And let's not even talk about the movies that have been hitting theater that Josh and I have missed out on. One of our favorite things to do together is go to the movies and I honestly can't remember the last time we went.

If I don't make time for the things that are important to me now, how will I be able to do it when life gets busier? When there are more things demanding my time?

Now that I've really laid it all on the table and complained to whoever you are reading this, I'm going to put a smile on my face, thank God for the people in my life and the opportunities we have been given, and face the day!

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Here's to the weekend!